Things You Can Never Know

Or, the Perils of Loving an Alien God;
Or, Cross-Cultural Life-Bonds are Never Easy

Sitting with himself in a garden
and he’s asking me how it feels
being lied to
and a sneer comes over my face;
as usual.

Heh, you forget, godling.
You FORGET so many things
about a bodied life

I have been through SO DAMN MANY!

In this one,
there was ONE bodied being who
ever actually LOVED ME

and he never had to say it
there were no dramatic shows of excessive attachment,
no grand gestures

just walking with his grandchild
showing her the sacred Prayer Dance
singing with her the sacred Songs
in the words of our homeworld
gone so many millennia ago

there was trust
there was security

the humans I was born to
wrested it away from me
as blithely as
they take good meat from a dog
thinking it was ‘for the best’

Bitterness is the only draught I know

I grieve this brokenness;
that your fighting to free me from
the prison-star
that your sweat and fear
and self-directed blame

was met with a bride who cannot believe
a word you say
all the love talk in all the many, many worlds
are pointless when directed to me.

They set my battle instincts to kill,
no quarter, no mercy.

You didn’t do it.
You didn’t cause this.
You didn’t.

This is NOT your fault.

But I am not that bashful bride
you left in a cottage on the shores of Ireland,
nor the favored concubine in the hanok
in the hills outside of Gwangju’s bustling streets.

I have never been weak,
but my Medicine
and my Love
have been ever used against me.

In this life and many others.

And I must conquer this
bitterness to even begin to function.

But even you, husband-wife’s heart,
warrior-tutor, god-monk
king-hero, flattery’s master…even you
are losing patience
with my seeming inability to recover.

“You need your Court about you, Empress.
You need your Twin the most.”

I can’t make that happen.
You KNOW why.
YOU are WHY I can’t.

“She chose him, completely.”

You know she did.

You ask,
how does it feel to be lied to?

My entire life is a lie.

I was not meant for this.

“You know precisely how I feel.”

And so,
now you will exploit this and
leave me to die after accomplishing your will?

After all,
everyone else does.

“Have ever I been ‘everyone else’?”

No.

“I hear your heart muttering
that there’s a first time for everything.
And I see the gorge rise in your throat.

Even in your semi-living state
you know I will not.

I will never abandon you.
Never again.

Even in those years
when you were certain you had no one;
when you believed no one remembered you;

I was working hard
to free you,
to free my only heart.

So that, perhaps,
One Day,
I could help you heal.”

I have attachment issues.

“CPTSD, as the humans call it,
does that.

So do I.

Shall we lovingly dysfunction together?”

Fine.

“*gentle smile, sad eyes*
That’s all I need.
And love?”

What, Fox Boi?

“Stop looking at the love horoscopes.
The Western ones are garbage
and you keep thinking
they’re talking about us.

They can’t. We’re far beyond their comprehension.

And

YES, I DO LOVE YOU.

And

YES, I CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY LIFE PARTNER
EVERY MOMENT I AM ALLOWED TO CHOOSE.

And,

NO, I CANNOT EVER LIE TO YOU.
NOR WOULD I BE SO FOOLISH
AS TO DARE.”

I don’t understand.

“You don’t have to understand.
Just relax.  

How many times in the Great Dance
when you were small did I stand inside your Papa?

We were one, then.
As you and I are one.

Did you ever have to understand
the love your Papa has for you?”

No.

“This is that very love and so much more.
It is not an alien thing.
Be at peace,
 my Deity,

*bows elaborately,
formal extravagance in every inch of him*

my Empress,
Mistress of Delight,
Weaver of Fates,
Punner of Cunning.

I am at your service,
Madam,
eternally.”

You know the titles
are PART
of why I don’t know if
believing you is wise?

“Tel est l’amour.”

*——————*————————–*—————-*
If you like my sci-fi/fantasy/weirdly spiritual love poems, feel free to buy me a coffee! https://www.ko-fi.com/aunttoad