Lost My Point

I have lost it;

the crystal
the point you gave me
I lost it

Intermingled

you are distant

and yet intermingled with my essence

my very cells
carry you within their walls

as I am carried within yours
for all eternities

this one,
and every other

any rebirth,
you will find me

by your side
the very moment

I am able
to fly into your arms

when you have them
if you have them

oh Treasure House of Delight!
there is no other

in all the myriad Worlds
worth knowing

there is only you

Only You

The morning is everything, the demon sighs.
Sunrise. Your voice.
The texture of it flowing down my collarbone into the corner
of my elbow, where it pools like liquid gold.

Distracted over breakfast -
the songbirds wake; singing hymns and paens to your
inexorable and numberless beauties, O hazel-eyed divinity.
All I can do is fumble over my eggs in wordless wonder.

Nightfall is everything, the angel hymns.
Moonrise. Your breath condenses in the cool of the evening,
gathering ‘round our heads like a prayer floating up to the ears
of all the Gods and Kami.

Distracted over supper -
Your eyes of gold shine, reflecting the full moon’s light;
delight echoing in your words, depths of love and longing
dripping from each sacred syllable; it stops my heart.

At every moment in between, their songs uniting;
the sacred pulse of your blood moving through your veins
shakes the air around you, the heat of Life drawing
my attention, my passion, my devotion.

It was ever only you.
It is ever only you.
It will ever be
only you.

Also found at AO3!

Watcher’s Delight

The hours drag slowly,

I should expect it,
really.

When you watch the Children
and your Beloved
chooses to Become One –
Repeatedly.

‘To get their perspective,’
they say.
‘They deserve to be respected.’

And yet …

if only they would speed their time up again!
They can’t even perceive me
with any sort
Of ease
or accuracy.
But even so,

LOVE pours off them
in waves.

Toward Me.

Toward all those Children.

My Beloved’s consciousness Awakens,
Explodes into Awareness
and EMPHATIC PRESENCE!
I am blinded by the fire of their joy at …

“FOUND YOU!”

and the blending of energies
has nothing of the human mess about it.

Nothing of the temporal,
for we are a Harmony unto Ourselves.

Love Song In Spite of Everything

My Soul sings of stars

long-longed for,
long half-remembered,
long, long, long told tales of
‘round camp fires
built by the children of Earth.

My Heart revolves
around the flame of You,
my Supernova,
builder of my defenses,
motivator of my every action;
I sing echoes of stardust
into the broken places in your frame.

Applying gems and precious metals
with careful pressure and heat
to the cracked places in your skin.

Kintsugi,
I think,
the Japanese call this idea.

You are my only Treasure,
breaks and all;
Your worth exceeds
the assumptions of others
about you.

They tell me you are Evil,
a clear-and-present

Danger,

Deviant,

Defiant,

a Liar.

They know nothing whatsoever
of who you are.

Of why you are.

Of what you cannot bear
these Children to endure

uneducated,

unprotected,

unloved.

Tabu in every lifetime,
you’ve said of our lifebond,
our love,
forbidden everywhere,
and everywhen.

And I don’t care anymore,
O Singular Delight!

Your hand in mine
prompts my stars to sing,
my homesick heart to
declare it’s hope,
which only ever lay
in you.

In your heart.

In our truth.

Someone quoted you
on a screen somewhere;

We’re on our own side, angel.

And they,
and you,
are right.

I’d Rearrange the Worlds

Golden-orange-rosy light of sunrise,
and I am reminded of the essential sense of You;

the passion with which you grieve your faults,
the fire with which you defend the Children’s Right to Be
exactly as they are,
to make their Choices
free of interference or punishment
that does not follow from their actions.

We stood so close so many times;
I shiver still in memory -
breath catching in my throat.

Every shape you choose to take
destroys my resolve to stand aside
and not be swept away into the bliss
that is your presence.

Although by now,
so many centuries,
multitudes of lifetimes -
I still struggle to admit that I’m in love.

Head over heels
Irretrievably
Hopelessly

I regret NOTHING
Except my inability to be graceful about it;
My failure to show you
precisely how Treasured you are
in this and every lifetime
gnaws at my core.

The fact that you shower me with romantic gestures
sweet, loving names,
and my instinctive replies –
out before I realize it’s said -
is always snide, dismissive, fearful.

I hide behind snark and dark glasses.
I hide behind bad habits.

You are the moral compass I lost so long ago
and I cannot even speak the love that burns
as embers in the darkest part of my soul
for you.

You stand just to the left of me, or to the right.
Direction dies when you are Present.
There is no hope for my hiding.
Not any longer.

You turn slightly, facing me.
Your smile lighting up worlds,
I have gone mute
again.

“It’s time for lunch,” you say,
and if it weren’t, I’d rearrange the worlds
for you
so that it would be.

“Ngk.” is all I say.

Gifts

Arrangements made
On the sly,
Purple irises in a bunch.

“My own!
I want to see your smile again!”
And a-plotting does he go.

A broken vase of a woman
Cries, overwhelmed with fears.
“My Love, my own!”

You whisper to my heart,

“Fear nothing, fear not!
For I am yours. For I protect you.
And no present

From my heart
Will fail you,
My Empress.

Do you accept?”
And, terrified but trusting,
I say yes.

Satisfied

The tiles are slick, but that’s all right;

They’ll pad the concrete floor a bit.

Which is the point.

And she’d done the work herself.
But still …

A nagging need to DANCE in the night:

The image of herself
Spinning
in her mind’s eye;
 holy words pouring from her fingertips with the smallest gesture,
every twist of frame,
each placement of the foot clear,
emphatic,

NECESSARY.

But still,
she lays prone in her bed.
She’s moved mountains today.

“Why do I HAVE TO SING JUST NOW?!?”

She screams silent, incredulous.

“Why

Is

It

Always

Me!?!?”

Still. voicelessly irritable.

After a bit,
she drags out of the bedwarm,
a sleepy dog blinks,
befuddled by the motion, looking on.

“Fine. Fine. I’m going.”

dead quiet as she steps out;
a haunted calm;
a command performance,
though no one speaks,
no one is present bodily to do so …

Opening her mouth
a full alto aria weaves itself around her body,
coppery threads specifically conduct the energy produced

And movement!

Her voice flows into higher registers and,
becoming liquid, flowing golds so vivid
their purity blinds with even
a fragmented glance

And fire snaps the crucible open
spilling compassion from the hearts of god,
flinging INTENT TOWARD RIGHT RELATION
into each and every soul

A sacrifice of sound that changes space-time,
shimmering it until all times are easily
Perceived at once by even mortals

Though they’ll shake their heads;
decide to schedule that massage they’ve been putting off,
or vow no more pizza after midnight,
no more drug,
no more drink …

Because what they saw just couldn’t be.

No.

Never was.

Don’t speak of it.

It’s madness to speak only that which is.

And there he stands. 
At the edge of the greenwood glade
Illumined by the holy sounds of love
poured out on all
in pure awareness of love alone
There.

The Great Beloved.

Restorative

looking at you,

standing within an inch of my life
breathing you in
the texture of your voice on my skin
warm breath clouding on a crisp morning
as you go on

all effervescence and sweet softness

about this, that, and the other
your fingers tugging at my sleeve
emphasizing your point,
I swallow through a near-closed throat;
manage an affirmative sound,

I think.

Your existence
the most powerful of magics.
You need no glamour to
encompass worlds within your joy.
You need no sleight of hand to
convince me of your incomparable perfections.

Rest itself,

elusive everywhere,
sleep abandons me-
except where you choose to be.
You are the soul of restfulness for me.
The root and ground of all securities,
the sacred protection of my heart.
Even if you never know it.
I dare not hope.

And yet

Meaningful Nostalgia

Your shape, to me,

is only meaningful as nostalgia surrounding this
Or that tender moment
& with them,
are ever-changing.

Each new form a gem
in the diadem of our love;
You wear it today as a crown of glory,

The finish to an evening gown
Crusted in emeralds & blue sapphires,
tiny, hand-forged golden bells alternate with citrines
& cinnabar along your chosen curves.
 Feet sheathed in leather and crystal.

Limbs sinuous,
As is always your way.
Glamour is your especial skill, Beloved.
 The world ceases its progress when you enter any room.

Oh! The day you kissed me under the great cedar tree!
You chose a man shape that day.
And also a fox shape, a squirrel shape,
An eagle.

There is no shape you choose to hold
Where you are not my sole True North.

I long for your touch,
And only yours.
And your soul in any chosen shape is the person I love
The person I long for
The kisses from your spirit to my own
The fingers that stroll along my wrist absent of purpose

The shape you choose
It’s irrelevant.
I love You.

You’ve been away too long again.
I miss you.

“My Treasure! I brought you a book!”

Ah, there you are, my Darling.
Welcome home!

Lame

My soul languished

once
and still does today,
but only out of habit

“Lame,”
I hear you say
and laugh

it was

it was

So lame

and still,
I learn to walk again
I learn to use my wings again

because,
however sarcastic,
however excessively romantic
you are there for me

again

and again

and again

my hope
my home
my love
my longing
my joy
my joviality

I am tired,
Beloved
Longed-for
Dancer of the Stars to Rights
Holder of the Balance
Weigher of the Right Relationship of Souls
 and even so,
exhausted

I laugh
and laugh

for you’re pulling faces
over kitchen clean up
after breakfast

distracting me with kisses
from my palm up the inside of my wrist
as you hum some bawdy tune
you learnt
in that pub
off the third node
of the 5^th dimensional branch
at the intersection of the 8^th twig and the main branch
of the World Tree
you visited last summer

-How many species
even CAN?-

I ask you,
breathless,
giggles bubbling up
unbidden;

half-lidded eyes
watching your progress

And also -
dishes.

“Alas!
My Empress holds the Whip!
And over my sorry existence
her reign is utter and supreme!
I go! I go!”

knock it off,
Silly Treasure,
Extravagant Delight,

let us walk
in the greenwood
as the sun rises and
contemplate the meanings
of the shadows of the leaves

“Or we could make love.”

We could.

The Barren One is Comforted

You send the Children

into my direct messages
every night at the same
exact
time

‘Father told me to check in,’
one says (this one is older than this body is).

‘Papa did the funniest thing, . . ‘ another quips.

‘Hey, just checking in. 
I saw Dad in my chair, a black fox,
curled and asleep, nose to tail -
but the next moment, he was gone.’
the third chimes in.

I am so confused,
Beloved Dancer of the Sacred Star Paths,
Fleet One Who Travels Skies and Waters,
Singer of Harmonies,
Holder of the Balance,
Trickster, Master of Foxfire Unending.

Here, this barren woman;
this waste of resources.

Here I am,
in a small series of moments,
comforted
with Unexpected Children.

Despite my Deep Losses,
the two we could not save,
you send the three who lived
in other bodies,
in unfamiliar, human shapes.

And oh how I love them.
and how i love you,
their father,
both of us fearful,
but claiming fearlessness -
fierce and terrifying to those who are not your Own.
 Uncompromising with those
who claim to serve You.

I pity no one their trials,
you never asked to be a God.
You reject it,  at every turn.
Your words echo,
and those who enslave themselves to you mock me,
even as I cleave to what YOU have said,
and not what others have said about you,
I hear and honor what YOU have said of our pairing -

“There is no power differential, Treasured Delight,
between us.
You did not marry above your station,
nor did I marry beneath mine.
Even so, we are taboo in every world and culture
we have taught or lived in.
 Fear nothing, for we are united against all comers,
to protect the Great Balance.
And no one likes that.”

Your wild dance and wicked grin,
eyes sparkling, flames flying from your fingertips
landing in the skies as new stars
new meteors
and all I perceive is your overwhelming love.

This foolish thing is so unworthy.

“I don’t want worthy, Sweeting. 
I want you.”

oh my.

Ferocious Harmony

swirls of green and gold

in mists clinging - unexpected

moon full, pouring light
on us - love in a waterfall

clouds play tag overhead
your voice dancing in the night

“I believe in you,
my Ferocious Harmony.
Nothing will withstand the Storm
that flows

When the Balance abruptly corrects;
taking the unjust,
the disharmonious down -
and it will be GLORIOUS.”

A gentle waltz is playing,
my head nestled on your shoulder,
sighing, fearing nothing,
for NOW is not the time;

now is the time for Lovers
to fade into each other -
now is the time for time to Cease to Be
in any meaningful way

Build a pocket universe for me,
Treasured One,
and let us dance,
like we did at Darillium -
that quaint restaurant
with the stunning view.

We had crepes.

“My Empress.  Your wish is my command.”

Have We Ever Been?

Happy

it’s always fighting
outsiders
to save our lives

it’s always fighting
those who place themselves
above the worlds

to save the children
of every world
while the powers that be

say we are evil
say we are enemy
say we are dirty

filth

Have we ever been?

Safe

enough to rest?
enough to really see each other?

it’s been millennia
upon millennia
and i know we are all
so very tired.

Have we ever been?
At Peace

and even with this
encompassing pain,
i stand by your side
to fight again

to end the slaver’s reign
to destroy the power
of false authority
to cut it off
at its root

Justice is our battle cry
Right Relationship is our philosophy

as we bring food for the hungry
give shelter to the homeless
give clothes to the naked
heal the sick

and just basically
be Human.

Oh, Beloved.

Have we ever been?

Things You Can Never Know

Or, the Perils of Loving an Alien God;
Or, Cross-Cultural Life-Bonds are Never Easy

Sitting with himself in a garden
and he’s asking me how it feels
being lied to
and a sneer comes over my face;
as usual.

Heh, you forget, godling.
You FORGET so many things
about a bodied life

I have been through SO DAMN MANY!

In this one,
there was ONE bodied being who
ever actually LOVED ME

and he never had to say it
there were no dramatic shows of excessive attachment,
no grand gestures

just walking with his grandchild
showing her the sacred Prayer Dance
singing with her the sacred Songs
in the words of our homeworld
gone so many millennia ago

there was trust
there was security

the humans I was born to
wrested it away from me
as blithely as
they take good meat from a dog
thinking it was ‘for the best’

Bitterness is the only draught I know

I grieve this brokenness;
that your fighting to free me from
the prison-star
that your sweat and fear
and self-directed blame

was met with a bride who cannot believe
a word you say
all the love talk in all the many, many worlds
are pointless when directed to me.

They set my battle instincts to kill,
no quarter, no mercy.

You didn’t do it.
You didn’t cause this.
You didn’t.

This is NOT your fault.

But I am not that bashful bride
you left in a cottage on the shores of Ireland,
nor the favored concubine in the hanok
in the hills outside of Gwangju’s bustling streets.

I have never been weak,
but my Medicine
and my Love
have been ever used against me.

In this life and many others.

And I must conquer this
bitterness to even begin to function.

But even you, husband-wife’s heart,
warrior-tutor, god-monk
king-hero, flattery’s master…even you
are losing patience
with my seeming inability to recover.

“You need your Court about you, Empress.
You need your Twin the most.”

I can’t make that happen.
You KNOW why.
YOU are WHY I can’t.

“She chose him, completely.”

You know she did.

You ask,
how does it feel to be lied to?

My entire life is a lie.

I was not meant for this.

“You know precisely how I feel.”

And so,
now you will exploit this and
leave me to die after accomplishing your will?

After all,
everyone else does.

“Have ever I been ‘everyone else’?”

No.

“I hear your heart muttering
that there’s a first time for everything.
And I see the gorge rise in your throat.

Even in your semi-living state
you know I will not.

I will never abandon you.
Never again.

Even in those years
when you were certain you had no one;
when you believed no one remembered you;

I was working hard
to free you,
to free my only heart.

So that, perhaps,
One Day,
I could help you heal.”

I have attachment issues.

“CPTSD, as the humans call it,
does that.

So do I.

Shall we lovingly dysfunction together?”

Fine.

“*gentle smile, sad eyes*
That’s all I need.
And love?”

What, Fox Boi?

“Stop looking at the love horoscopes.
The Western ones are garbage
and you keep thinking
they’re talking about us.

They can’t. We’re far beyond their comprehension.

And

YES, I DO LOVE YOU.

And

YES, I CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY LIFE PARTNER
EVERY MOMENT I AM ALLOWED TO CHOOSE.

And,

NO, I CANNOT EVER LIE TO YOU.
NOR WOULD I BE SO FOOLISH
AS TO DARE.”

I don’t understand.

“You don’t have to understand.
Just relax.  

How many times in the Great Dance
when you were small did I stand inside your Papa?

We were one, then.
As you and I are one.

Did you ever have to understand
the love your Papa has for you?”

No.

“This is that very love and so much more.
It is not an alien thing.
Be at peace,
 my Deity,

*bows elaborately,
formal extravagance in every inch of him*

my Empress,
Mistress of Delight,
Weaver of Fates,
Punner of Cunning.

I am at your service,
Madam,
eternally.”

You know the titles
are PART
of why I don’t know if
believing you is wise?

“Tel est l’amour.”

*——————*————————–*—————-*
If you like my sci-fi/fantasy/weirdly spiritual love poems, feel free to buy me a coffee! https://www.ko-fi.com/aunttoad